Lisette Lahana,MSW, LCSW
Consultation, Psychotherapy and Training 1-800-928-9085

--My daughter just came out as "trans."What am I supposed to do with this information?

First, take a deep breath. Understand that you have entered a complex, often long journey of your own. Its normal to feel confused, angry or worried when you are first told of their trans identity. Some parents go through a process of grief, feeling they are losing the child they have known. It takes time to get to know how they see themselves and to learn their vision for their future. The first step in this process is for you to have patience with yourself and to view your emotional reaction as normal. This as a process you have started that involves learning more about what it means to them to be "trans."

--My co-worker just told me that she identifies as transgendered. Does that mean she wants to be a man and will start male hormones?

Its safer to not make assumptions about what this disclosure of being "trans" means. Don't be afraid to ask how your co-worker wants you to refer to them, as "he," "she" or using a gender neutral pronoun. Some people who identify as trans never have any medical treatment and others want to use hormones or plan to have surgeries. The timeline, if they plan a gender transition, will depend on their identity, finances, community, body image and politics, to name a few. Its better to ask when you have questions, they can always say its too personal or give you other resources to learn. Keep in mind that you are there to work and whatever skills he/she had before this disclosure have not changed.

--My child just came out as transsexual. This is all so strange, how am I supposed to act around them now?

First, most people who come out understand that their parents need time to take this new information in and adjust. The main thing your child wants from you is that you will not turn your back on them. Let them know that even if you are having conflicted feelings about their gender, what has remained stable is your love for them. You can let them know "I am confused, hurt, worried, angry...but I still love you and will be there for you." However, this is no easy thing. Sometimes finding out that your child is transsexual leaves parents feeling angry, betrayed or overwhelmed. Many parents immediately want to support their child but have no idea how to do that. Everyone copes with their feelings in different ways and sometimes it helps to talk to a qualified therapist. You may also consider telling a trusted friend, spiritual leader or finding a support group online for parents with similar issues. It helps to do reading and find resources that can help you learn about what it means to be transgendered.

--Help! My son just told me he is going to go through a 'gender transition' and wants to become a woman. Will my son be a totally different once he fully changes gender?

In my years of experience in the field, I have found that everyone has core aspects of the self that transcend gender. The core self relates to a person's basic character, overall personality and who they are while in relationships. More specifically, the core self relates to the parts of us that are not connected to the body or our gender role. Core aspects of the self include sense of humor, what we dedicate our lives to, the closeness we feel for loved ones or our spirituality (among others). You may notice physical changes over time, as well as some changes in how they interact with others. For instance your child may want to be addressed as "she" and take on more of a female gender role.Your child's core, the way they love you, the experiences you've shared, has not changed.

I am happy to schedule a phone session with you, by phone or in person, to answer questions that may feel too difficult to explore with your child.

Offices located in El Cerrito, CA (In Northern California, near Berkeley) and Hayward, CA (30 min from San Jose).